China Breath

It occurred to me, on my way to class to take an exam today, that I didn't brush my teeth before leaving my apartment. Now, I've never been a toothbrush nazi (unlike my wife, who happens to be an anti-Semetic, Oral-B electric toothbrush), but I know my breath could have skinned your neighbor's cat if given the chance, if you know what I mean (wink, wink). I had Chinese pepper steak, okay! 'Nuff said.

Granted, I was only going to be taking an exam, but what if I had to ask the professor a question in the middle of it? You know how you have to be all quiet, all up in his face so he can hear you. You got to whisper, too, so all he's getting is your hot, stinky, Chineseman breath. And maybe you decide not to go ask him because you know how bad your breath must be, and maybe you get some answers wrong just because something wasn't clear about the question. You studied, I know! You studied like woah and you know all the material, but you just don't understand the wording of the question, is all. It has nothing to do with the material. But the WORDING! AAARGGH! I HATE IT!!

Let's say you do go ask him to clarify the question, but in an attempt to keep him from getting that moist whiff of Chinese hell that is steaming out of your mouth, you stand sort of to the side and sound like an ar-tard as you talk without breathing. Try it. Right now, without breathing say "My name is (your name), and I am a compete idiot." Yes you are. So you do that, but your professor can't understand what the heck you just said, so you say it louder. Only, now people look up at you like you just ate their last bite of their meatball sandwich. So now you have to whisper closer to him. Yet, he still doesn't understand. Why? Cause he's a freaking idiot, that's why. So you say it again, only now he hesitates to answer because he has just been stunned by your pepper steak death ray (your death ray can't kill him when he's wearing his protective helmet. Duh.) He makes an odd face, like you just shat on his lap, and clarifies the question, leaving you to walk back to your desk in shame, kicking yourself for not remembering to brush your freaking teeth before you left your apartment.

For a fleeting instant, I thought about turning my car around to go back and brush my teeth. At least get some gum. But I didn't. Why? Cause that would be stupid. Instead, I walked into class, sat down, kept my Asian-infested mouth shut, and took my exam.

Never before have test questions seen such unrelenting, murderous horror released upon them as they did before this night. It was unfathomable.